Amanda King Stetson
They’d stopped for some take-out sandwiches on the way back to the apartment, but Amanda had stayed in the car. She couldn’t stop crying. Every now and then, she managed to calm down, but it would only last a few minutes before an errant thought left her in tears again. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a part of her was beginning to get frustrated and even disgusted: wasn’t it time to start working through this instead of crying over it? But that little voice was drowned out every time something new set her back off.
“I’m sorry,” she finally managed as they laid out their meal in the dining room. “I know you don’t like tears —”
“Stop it,” he answered, cradling her face in his hands.
“That’s just it! I can’t seem to stop. Even when I think I’ve managed to —”
“Amanda,” he interrupted, leaning down to drop a quick kiss against her lips. “If anyone has had reason to cry the last couple of months, it’s been you. I’ve wondered if you’ve done it enough.”
“If I’ve…” she trailed off. “I don’t understand. You want me to cry?”
“I want you to feel.” One of his hands traced her cheek. “You’ve been trying too hard to either be strong for everyone else or push yourself to get through things you insist need to be done. When have you taken time to think about your own grief? Even though you’re the one who lost both a parent and a child?”
Lost both a parent and a child. Tears again began at that phrase.
He wiped them off her face before continuing. “I had been going to suggest that Jamie spend Thanksgiving with Joe and Carrie anyway. I just hadn’t gotten around to it. He can use the time with his father, and we need some time to ourselves. You need some time without any responsibilities.”
“By getting away from my other child? The one I didn’t notice was —”
“No,” he interrupted again, a little firmer. “First off, you did notice what he let you see. Second, you need to take the time you need to take care of yourself so that you can keep doing all those wonderful things you do. You haven’t stopped, Amanda, since before the funeral, even though nobody’s hurting more than you. We’ve all done things to take care of ourselves. Remember that time in the gym?”
“Yes,” she answered. “And that wasn’t the only time.”
“No.” He’d been late from a few other sessions since she’d found him that day. He’d also posted a new personal best on the firing range. “And I’m sure there are going to be others in the future. But you’re changing the subject. Right now, we’re talking about you. Have you gone back to Claudia yet?”
Amanda stiffened. “There’s no point going. We just keep having the same conversations, over and over again.”
“Because you’re not processing anything! You’re spending so much time trying to take care of everyone else that you won’t let anyone take care of you!” Turning away from her, he scrubbed his hands through his hair. “Look, I don’t care what you need to do. Cry it out. Scream it out. Run around in circles if that’s what you need. But you’ve got to do something besides pushing all your anger and grief down. Or else you’re going to keep doing the wrong things like unloading it on Joe and Jamie!”
“I’m —” she tried to take a long, steadying breath, but it came out uneven and hitching. “If I start, I…I don’t know — I don’t think I’ll be able to-to stop. I’m just —” she couldn’t keep her voice even, no matter how hard she tried. “All I can th-think to do is —” She had to take another breath. “Tr-try to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Because — because eventually, it’ll go numb enough to d-d-d-d…” she couldn’t get the end of the sentence out because she’d started crying. Again.
“Okay.” With shaking hands, he pulled her back against him. “All right. Let it out.”
“But — but dinner — it’s —”
“— just sandwiches.” He brushed her temple with his lips and tugged her toward the couch. “It won’t get cold or go bad, at least not right away. So it can wait. You can’t. Not right now.”
At that, she dissolved completely, and her knees buckled. He guided her down onto the couch, rocking her gently. She had no idea how long she stayed curled against him, but she’d given herself a headache by the time she finally got the sobs under control. She rubbed her eyes as she sat up. “I’m sorry. That was — I’m sorry.”
“I’m not,” he told her. “You shouldn’t be either.” Cupping her chin, he wiped her face with his palm. “You’ve needed that for a long time.”
“I guess.” Now that she’d wept herself out, she could feel the numbness creeping back in, and with it came relief. “We should eat now.”
“Hey.” He took her hands. “Uh-uh. Don’t go away.”
“What makes you think I’m going to leave? I don’t have anywhere to go any—”
“I don’t mean physically.” He stood up, pulling her up alongside him. “Don’t disconnect. That’s what got us here in the first place.”
“I’m not disconne — what are you talking about, not disconnecting physically? I’ve been right here the whole time!”
“You’re answering with a question again. Don’t go numb, or shut down, or whatever it is you’re calling it. It doesn’t work. All you’ve been doing is just pushing everything down and then it starts building up to come out the wrong way again.”
She certainly wasn’t numb anymore; that had vanished as quickly as it had come. Instead, she was annoyed, and badly enough to pull her hands away from him before stalking toward the dining room. “If you’re not going to eat, I am.”
“Damn it, Amanda —” he grabbed at her hand, pulling her around so hard that she staggered against his chest, forcing him to throw both arms around her waist to steady her. There was no mistaking the disappointment and anger in his expression. “I told you to stop disconnecting and running away!”
He wanted connected? Fine; she’d give him connected. Her arms slid up his chest, linking around his neck, and she pushed up into him. Their mouths crashed together, teeth clacking before he realized what was going on and began to kiss her back. She felt his hands tangle into her hair, pulling at it, demanding that she tilt her head back and open her mouth fully to him. It was angry, greedy, biting. Fiery, vehement, passionate, and full of every emotion she could name right that second, and when they came up for air, they were both gasping.
Lee found his voice first. “Is this what you need?” He was as hoarse as he’d been that day in the gym. “Is this what it’s gonna take to keep you here with me?” Before she could reply, he kissed her again, hot and ardent, and she gave as good as she got. That was all the answer he needed, and she knew it. A second later his hands slid out of her hair, down her back and under her rear so that he could pull her up, off her feet. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her to the bedroom.
They came together sloppily, messily, urgent and needy and totally without finesse. It wasn’t gentle or tender; Amanda suspected she’d have a couple minor bruises. But she didn’t care, and as they finished, their heart rates began returning to normal, she realized she had needed this. They both had. It wasn’t the first time they’d used sex for comfort, and it likely wouldn’t be the last.
The important thing, she realized, is that they had finally turned toward each other instead of heading down a path that could end with them tearing themselves apart.
Lee pulled her into his shoulder, kissing her forehead gently. “That didn’t take long.”
“Well, we were both pretty determined, and it’s been a wh—”
“That’s not what I mean.” He dropped another gentle kiss, against her hairline this time. “Those wheels in your head are starting to turn again. I can hear them.”
With a long sigh, she wrapped her arms and legs around him. “What are we going to do about Jamie? And those awful taunting kids?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted. “But we don’t have to figure it out tonight, or tomorrow, or even over the weekend.” His fingers began to comb through her hair. “We have time to work out the priorities before we make a final decision.”
As if in response, her stomach growled, and when his answered it, she started to giggle. He responded with chuckles of his own and after a few minutes both of them were laughing outright. Amanda shifted to give him a long kiss — a real one, this time — before pushing herself up and off the bed. On the other side, Lee did the same, going into the bathroom to get their robes before they headed into the dining room.
They ate in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. At least at first, anyway. But as they were cleaning up, she noticed a bruise on Lee’s neck. “Oh. Ouch.”
“What?”
She brushed a finger against it. “I suppose that was my doing.”
He shrugged. “Not the first time, and I hadn’t even noticed.”
“Yeah, well, you’re going to have a hard time covering that one up with your collar.” She shook her head ruefully. “I should have been more careful.”
He put the dishes he was holding into the sink and turned back toward her, taking her hands. “Hey. Don’t ever apologize for wanting me.”
“Say that again after we go back to work next week, and it finds its way onto the rumor mill.”
“Actually,” he said, “I have a question. What if we didn’t go in to work next week?”
She blinked. “Did you just suggest we ditch for an entire week? I mean, I know it’s going to be Thanksgiving, and we don’t really have any plans yet, but that doesn’t mean that there’ll be nothing for us to do.”
“No. I’m suggesting we take some of that sick leave we both have built up.”
“Sick leave? I’m not sick and neither are you!”
An exasperated expression reappeared as he dropped his shoulders. “Not physically, no. But we’d both benefit if we took some time away, just by ourselves. Why don’t we go somewhere while we’re at it? That way there’d be no reminders of anything at all. I know a couple of places —”
“I couldn’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“Lee, we have responsibilities! Both at work and to our family!”
“If Jamie stays over with Joe and Carrie, that’s taken care of,” he pointed out. “And I’m not aware of anything in either of our caseloads that couldn’t wait for a few days. Amanda,” he continued, and now his tone became softer and more persuasive. “It’s not just you. I need some time away too. I’m not talking about a long time or going very far. Nobody would blame us for taking a few days.” His mouth quirked into a grin. “That would also mean this bruise’ll be gone before we get back.”
She felt her lips twitch. “Oh. I take it that’s your real reason for wanting to take time off, right?”
“No. I’ve gone in with worse.” He took both of her hands, pulling them up to drop a kiss on each one. “Please. Let’s go somewhere.”
Was he begging? Guilt settled onto her shoulders. “Don’t,” she told him. “I’m not made out of glass. I’m stronger than that. You are, too.”
“And I’d like to stay that way.”
Amanda turned away, shaking her head. “I’ve already disappointed everyone. Mr. Melrose, Francine, you, Joe, Carrie,” her voice caught. “Jamie. No, Lee. I owe you all — I can’t believe I never noticed how bad things were getting with my own son. And he’s not the only one. The least I can do is try to make it up by doing better.” Not that she hadn’t already been trying, of course, after the meeting with Mr. Melrose, but this was that much more incentive. “I’m not going to just run away from my problems.”
“Think of it more like a strategic retreat,” he suggested from behind her. “Time to bind up your wounds so you can come back out strong.”
“I’ve already let everyone down enough!”
With surprising swiftness, he crossed back around in front of her. “You’re right. You have. That’s what I’m trying to tell you, Amanda. And you’re going to keep right on doing that if you don’t take some time for yourself!” He made a frustrated gesture. “Look, it’s not entirely my idea. Both Billy and Pfaff have been dropping hints, and now would be a perfect time. It’s not too busy, and Jamie’s off from school, and most places are going to be quiet because people will be with their families, and —” At the look on her face, he cut himself off with a soft curse. “I’m sorry.”
She took several deep breaths, and for once, they actually helped. “It’s all right.”
“No, it’s not, but it will be. That’s exactly what I mean. It’s not over! I’d like to spend some time with you, some real time, and not just in bed, either. Pick a place or a direction. It doesn’t matter to me.” The expression on his face was earnest and woebegone at the same time, and it was all she could do not to turn away again.
But she’d said it herself. She wasn’t going to run away from her problems.
Amanda sighed, realizing she’d run out of arguments. “All right.”